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I have stopped worrying about trying to accumulate personal accomplishments. When I was young, I was an ass, driven to survive chaos and dysfunction. By the time I was a teenager, I had realized that I would never reach the goals that religion defined for me. By that set of standards, I was already unworthy, or so I had been told. As a result, I spent a great deal of time striving to be worthy and failing in the effort.

In time I learned not to accept that verdict and relied on my own judgment instead. In the process, it became necessary for me to know myself, do a personal inventory in a 12-Step sense, and work to make the most of this life. Over time, I have learned a lot, often in small lessons that seemed insignificant at the time. I have been fortunate to have had many teachers and mentors, not the least of which are my wife and children. And I have become a better man, having watched my father become a better man in his struggle to sobriety.

To be sure, I screw things up and get things wrong, but I am now aware. I try, reassess, and try again to push against my personal limitations – there are so many. I am chipping away at them, and I find myself in a constant state of change. I’ve asked as I have grown older, “What is the point of this introspection at this stage of my life?” and an answer came quickly to mind; much about me is not yet done. I need to be a better husband, father, brother, and friend – and more broadly to become a better person more engaged in other’s lives than my own. I am working on that. I also find that I am still wildly curious about the world near and far, and I am determined to know as much as I can.

I am in the fall of my life with many more years behind than ahead, but I am not melancholy about that reality – I love this season. I have hiked along this trail for a while now, sometimes stumbling and veering off the path or circumnavigating obstacles too often of my own making. I’ve taken a moment to look back over the ground I’ve covered and seen that my trek has been on a gentle rise up out of the valley. I understand from this perspective that my worthiness, which I fretted about in my youth, was established long before I got here; it was not determined by my parents, a boss, or a religious functionary. I have learned to consider myself from the inside-out and not from the outside-in.

As I turn again to contemplate the path ahead, it is encouraging to look as far forward as possible to what may be while appreciating how important it is to be mindful of the small steps that lead to that better self. And I know that if I get caught in the bindings of my limitations and fail to reach the goal, I will reassess and try again. I am in this for the long game.

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Kevin Deeny